a different change.

So after living in Gainesville for over 4 years, I'm moving back home. I was expecting to move in the near future, but not as abruptly as I am.

I find myself wondering why this change is getting to me so badly. I've gone through a lot of change in my life already, yet none have been as difficult as this one. I changed grade schools 7 times, lived in a different state without my family for 3 months when I was 16, left the comfort of my home to go away for school and so forth. All these changes I went through with excitement and anxiousness. Of course I was nervous, but never did I feel fear or regret, or fear of regret for that matter. I did not know that things were going to work out or that I would love my new settings, yet I went forth believing they would.

This time I'm terrified.

So I sat back to think about why my nerves are taking over and came to this conclusion.

This change is the most weighed change as of yet. Not only am I leaving Gainesville, I'm leaving a big part of myself. In my 4 plus years as a Gainesville resident I've gotten comfortable. I've met some wonderful people who are and will always be my closest friends. I've learned what I like and don't like by going to different places and eating different foods. I've experienced things that have molded me into the woman I am now.

I'm also leaving behind a place where I've experienced many of my firsts. My first time living on my own. My first time being drunk. My first failing grade. My first all nighter. My first legal drink. My first time smoking. My first car. My first real relationship. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first dog. And so on. I've become attached to a place where I've done most of my growing up.

Now I'm returning to a town that kept me from being me. Pembroke Pines is the mud room for hell. My hell, at least. The only good thing there is my family. There is no culture, no nightlife, no art, no realness. It is concrete suburbia. The neighborhoods consist of cookie-cutter homes and man planted trees.

So what do I do? Gainesville is no longer progressing my life forward and harbors a love I must let go. I hate to say goodbye to Gainesville, but I can't stay. So I go to be able to let go.

Maybe the forces are making me move for a purpose. Maybe my life was at an unhealthy standstill in Gainesville. Maybe being in South Florida will put me in the path of someone who will launch my career. Who knows. All I know is I'm saying au revoir to Gainesville, a place that transitioned me from a girl to a woman.

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