a different change.

So after living in Gainesville for over 4 years, I'm moving back home. I was expecting to move in the near future, but not as abruptly as I am.

I find myself wondering why this change is getting to me so badly. I've gone through a lot of change in my life already, yet none have been as difficult as this one. I changed grade schools 7 times, lived in a different state without my family for 3 months when I was 16, left the comfort of my home to go away for school and so forth. All these changes I went through with excitement and anxiousness. Of course I was nervous, but never did I feel fear or regret, or fear of regret for that matter. I did not know that things were going to work out or that I would love my new settings, yet I went forth believing they would.

This time I'm terrified.

So I sat back to think about why my nerves are taking over and came to this conclusion.

This change is the most weighed change as of yet. Not only am I leaving Gainesville, I'm leaving a big part of myself. In my 4 plus years as a Gainesville resident I've gotten comfortable. I've met some wonderful people who are and will always be my closest friends. I've learned what I like and don't like by going to different places and eating different foods. I've experienced things that have molded me into the woman I am now.

I'm also leaving behind a place where I've experienced many of my firsts. My first time living on my own. My first time being drunk. My first failing grade. My first all nighter. My first legal drink. My first time smoking. My first car. My first real relationship. My first love. My first heartbreak. My first dog. And so on. I've become attached to a place where I've done most of my growing up.

Now I'm returning to a town that kept me from being me. Pembroke Pines is the mud room for hell. My hell, at least. The only good thing there is my family. There is no culture, no nightlife, no art, no realness. It is concrete suburbia. The neighborhoods consist of cookie-cutter homes and man planted trees.

So what do I do? Gainesville is no longer progressing my life forward and harbors a love I must let go. I hate to say goodbye to Gainesville, but I can't stay. So I go to be able to let go.

Maybe the forces are making me move for a purpose. Maybe my life was at an unhealthy standstill in Gainesville. Maybe being in South Florida will put me in the path of someone who will launch my career. Who knows. All I know is I'm saying au revoir to Gainesville, a place that transitioned me from a girl to a woman.

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what's for lunch

As a kid, I played with stuffed animals often. Naming them all and barely having room to sleep on my bed because I felt bad making them sleep on the floor, I had a strong emotional attachment to my various chicks and bears. I have had many pets as well, real live ones. Since birth I've had 3 dogs, 1 bird, 2 turtles, 2 hamsters, 5 cats, 2 chickens, 1 iguana and about 20 fish total. I loved each and every one of these pets and was always devastated when they passed (except maybe some of the fish, although they all still got proper burials).

Growing older, I've realized how hypocritical this makes me. I have intense feelings of love towards these "inhuman" creatures, yet I have no problem eating other "inhuman" creatures on a daily basis. Looking at my dog this morning as she was eating her breakfast, I thought to myself, "What makes it wrong to eat her, yet it is perfectly ok to eat another kind of animal?" I don't know how to answer this and disturbed by the thought, I couldn't finish my bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Being in college now for 4 years, I've been exposed to the possibility of changing my lifestyle into one free of eating food that once resembled Mr. Cluckers, and yet I can't help but continue my ways of being a carnivore. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy vegetarian options and often times go days without touching meat. I've even tried out the vegetarian lifestyle for about a solid month, but when I returned home to my Cuban family, not eating meat was not only weird, but an insult.

So I'm back to the beginning, feeling guilty eating arroz con pollo while staring at my two pet chicks. I don't know why my mind does not connect how sick that is. Maybe it's because it's been so normal my whole life. Maybe it's because subconsciously I'm too lazy to willingly change my lifestyle. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me at the moment.

So for the time being I'll do what I can to be a nice carnivore by eating free range and organic meats and buying cookbooks with delicious vegetarian recipes. Whether I'll ever switch over, I don't know, but until then I'll keep thinking about eating my dog and hope that grosses me out enough to eventually join them on the other side.

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